Dissociates often work to make us feel less sensitive to, or more accepting of. offensive behaviour by minimising, down playing or mocking any negative reaction to inappropriate acts. In turn, we often normalise dissociative behaviour (the other person's and our own) by buying into the dissociates's logic and lowering our own standards. We learn to accept as normal what we once believed to be unacceptable, wrong, or dangerous. Dissociated Normalising is achieved when we no longer questions a behaviour as inappropriate and starts to accept the dissociate’s assertions that a questionable behaviour is, in fact, normal and “healthy.”
What Dissociated Manipulation Sounds Like:
“Stop being so judgmental.”
"Your friends never had any problems with it."
"What a stick in the mud. You need to lighten up!”
"Why can't you just let it go?"
"Just relax... if you don't like it, you don't ever have to do it again."
"Don't you trust me?"
"This is God's plan for you ..."
What it feels like:
The process of manipulation (usually a sustained effort over time) may touch off deep inner conflict in us who are the target of manipulation efforts. The reason for this ambivalence is that dissociation manipulations requires us to adjust our personal standards, and accept, participate, or collaborate in bad behaviour in order to receive a payoff or reward.
In other words: We know the behaviour is inappropriate or wrong, but is motivated to indulge it, because doing so generates the promise of some desired object or situation that the target yearns for (or already has), and does not want to lose. The motivation could be anything: money, sex, grades, acceptance, favour, or the promise of love. Normalising is in many ways a type of mutual extortion, and can not work if there is nothing of value at stake.
Being in a relationship with the dissociated disordered has sometimes been compared to an addiction. One of the side effects of being addicted to another person is the lengths some of us might go to in order to preserve their connection to the very person who is doing them harm. Denial about the extent of the abuse often becomes core to our own self image. He or she may begin to normalise, or justify abnormal behaviours in the other person in order to make those behaviours seem less disturbing, We thus adopts codependent and enabling behaviours, and may even begin mirroring some of the bad actions we once objected to. In this way, the dissociated are able to increase their own tolerance and negative coping skills, and stay connected to us.
Losing perspective on what is acceptable behaviour weakens our own self-esteem and judgment. Once bad behaviours are normalised and accepted in our own mind, we will be vulnerable to further abuse and at risk for engaging in activities that are unhealthy, harmful or illegal to ourself.
What NOT To Do:
Don't fall for false flattery, or verbal seduction.
Don't let someone else convince you to engage in any activity you know to be dangerous or wrong.
Don’t compromise your boundaries.
Don't become blind to the negative consequences of bad behaviour.
If someone is trying to coerce us in to doing something we are uncomfortable with, do not try to argue with them - get up and leave.
We Don't blame ourself for how the other person is behaving
Don't stay in the room if the situation becomes physically, verbally or emotionally unhealthy.
Don't go it alone or keep what you are experiencing a secret.
What TO Do:
Do recognise that normalising for what it is: Manipulation.
Do listen to your inner voice the child within. Learn to distinguish between what you know is right and what someone else asks you to accept.
Do work on boundaries. If someone is pressuring you to accept something you are uncomfortable with, walk away.
If it's illegal, dangerous, or has the potential to harm yourself or others, report it to the proper authorities.
Do discuss what you are going through with supportive, Ten Stagers.
The Ten Stages is a studied recovery course. It is a source of reconnection a method of unlearning and a reintroduction to our child within which leads us back to our one true intuitive voice.We start to learn and come out of our protective dysfunctional shell and reclaim our lives. www.thetenstages.com
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