We start to dis-engage without our dissociational constant drama. This new mindset is used to disengage ourselves from another's dissociated drama when direct contact is unavoidable.
WE start by disengaging emotionally and giving neutral responses to what someone else does or says. The focus is on us, our feelings and needs, not the other person or their feelings and needs.
Someone using dis-engagement is assertive without being confrontational. We give no appearance of withdrawal, and we will maintain a pleasant and calm tone of voice and demeanour.
two key components to dis-engagement are:
We stop sharing any of our personal information.
We don't volunteer details about our life or our feelings. Everything in our world is perfectly OK, normal and uneventful. Tell them nothing, ask them nothing. Conversation is nothing more than pleasantries about weather, traffic, news etc. We start to engage in the type of conversation we might have with a total stranger while waiting for the bus.
When communicating a decision we have made (should we deem it necessary to share in the first place) do not share our thought processes on how we arrived at our decision. It is none of anyone's concern.
We don't get involved in another person's chaos or drama.
When asked to help or get involved, be unavailable without offering the reason why we are unavailable. Sharing the details only motivates others to help us clear our obstacle to being there to help them. We are simply busy, We know, same old stuff.
When others try to draw us into their drama and chaos we are a bored and dull listener. We are there, just not present or terribly involved. Never show anger or compassionate involvement; paying attention but not too much attention. Don't offer any advice or opinions of our own. Don't try to solve their problems. We are simply not involved.
If someone is angry and manages to get us angry they have successfully projected and transferred their anger to us. Take our leave as soon as possible in cases of anger or rage. Simply and calmly leave or end the phone call.
When others lash out, show no anger. When others are nice, don't reciprocate. Be distant and flat in both cases. When others can't easily manipulate a reaction, they tend to leave you alone.
Dis-engagement keeps things light, fluffy, airy and breezy. There's no real substance to the conversation. We wind up doing a lot of listening and giving very uninteresting and inconsequential answers. We don't feed the dissociates supply, so we'll find conversations are shorter and not as frequent - because we're not giving the other person anything they can use. We are of no use to them and also quite boring and uninteresting.
Dis-engagement is also 'non answers' to intrusive questions and interrogation.
Dis-engagement is useful in dealing with trigger instances of Baiting, Blaming, Bullying, Chaos, Circular Conversations, Dependency, Emotional Abuse, Emotional Blackmail, Engulfment / Enmeshment, Hoovering, Manipulation, Projection and Verbal Abuse. While undesirable behaviours cannot always be totally avoided, the damage and impact can be minimised if we can keep ourselves as emotionally detached as possible.
Examples:
When asked an intrusive question:
I don't know. I'll have to get back to you.
We'll see.
That's a really good question, why do you ask?
Let me think about that.
It doesn't concern you.
My decision is made.
This is not a discussion
It's simply my preference.
It's none of your business.
It's already handled, taken care of.
The topic is closed
I said no and do not bring this up again
Sometimes it can be useful to simply not answer a question and let the question just hang there, pause, then change the conversation:
So anyway, how about the weather?
When attempting to draw us into drama or chaos:
It's none of my business.
I can't be there, it doesn't work for me.
I'd love to but no.
I'm sorry you feel that way.
I don't know what to tell you.
I don't know what to say.
That's a shame.
Now you're just being silly (when they accuse us of something).
You'll have to speak to so and so about that (when complaining about so and so).
You may need to speak to your doctor / lawyer / electrician about that.
This is not my problem. If you want to make it my problem I will find a solution to this that suits me and there is every chance that it will not suit you. If you want a solution that suits you, then you need to go work on that & leave me out of it.
You may need to get in touch with your inner 'tween for some of these:
That's too bad/That's nice. (You may be surprised how long you can keep a conversation going with those words).
Now's not the time to talk about that.
I can't do anything about that.
I want to hear how you're doing.
That's up to you.
I know you don't understand this.
I know you really want to talk about XYZ but now is not the time.
It looks like my being here is upsetting you, we'll get together another time.
If the drama ramps up in an attempt to get you involved:
Exit the conversation. say "Sorry I have to go now. Maybe we can continue later."
Leave the room and house if you can safely do so.
Remember to convey everything in a dull, flat tone of voice, with a non-confrontational, matter-of-fact manner.
What It Feels Like
Dis-engagement can be extremely liberating. We are in control of us, we are directing our life, we are in charge of us, we steer the conversation and we are protected. We are free to exercise your boundaries and communicate them effectively.
What NOT To Do:
Don't focus on mitigating the other person's anger.
Don't worry about how your actions appear.
Don't try to solve the other person's problems or try to fix anything
What To Do:
Maintain a flat, calm and unemotional tone.
Choose to emotionally and mentally disengage.
Become uninteresting and boring.
The Ten Stages is a studied recovery course. It is a source of reconnection a method of unlearning and a reintroduction to our child within which leads us back to our one true intuitive voice.We start to learn and come out of our protective dysfunctional shell and reclaim our lives. #childwithin#10stages
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